雅思阅读丨会让争辩恶化的6种语句

当争吵的时候，有些话可能会让情况变得更糟，雅思阅读的小编为大家整理出最容易使冲突升级的6种语句。

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You may think you're helping—but you're just screwing things up more.

This is your brain on an argument

When you argue, you are at your most animal. Your brain literally enters fight-or-flight mode, your heart-rate escalates, and logic and reasoning physically shut down. It's little wonder you usually say a lot of bonehead things you end up regretting in the morning. Don't worry: We are all guilty of the same stupidity, and sometimes the key to a painless argument is what you don'tsay. For starters, here are six research-backed phrases proven to make any bad argument worse.

你可能觉得你在帮着事情变好——但其实你只会弄得更糟。

在争吵的时候你的大脑就是这样的

当你争吵的时候，你会失去理性。你的大脑简直进入了争斗模式，你的心跳逐步上升，逻辑思维关闭。所以你会做一些第二天早上起来后悔的傻事也是正常的。别担心：我们都犯一样的傻，都很愧疚，而使争论不伤人的重点有的时候在于你不能说什么。对于刚开始接触这些的人，下面是6个有研究依据的——在争论中不要说的那些话。

Don't mention getting calm

According to parenting experts and hostage negotiators alike, the biggest mistake most people make in an argument is denying the other person’s feelings. Think for a moment if the words “calm down” have ever actually made you calmer. More than likely, they’ve only ever made you feel more annoyed—Why does this person think I’m overreacting? He doesn’t understand me at all!

Telling a person to calm down assigns them a negative emotion (be it anger, anxiety, stubbornness, etc.) while denying their actual feelings. This seeming lack of empathy can be detrimental to reaching a mutual understanding, which is a far more important outcome than “winning” an argument. So instead of telling your companion how to feel, seek first to understand how they feel. Step one: listen.

不要提及“保持镇定”

根据育儿专家和人质谈判专家的想法，人们在争吵中犯的的错误就是否定别人的想法。你考虑一下，“你冷静点”这句话到底有没有有效过？很可能，这句话会使你更加恼怒——为什么这个人觉得我太激动了？他一点都不理解我怎么想的！

告诉一个人要冷静，会在否定他们想法的同时激发他们的负面情绪（如愤怒、焦虑、固执逆反等。）这种不能感同身受的感觉对于互相理解是很有害的。然而达成互相理解相对于“胜利”而言，在争论中反而更重要。所以与其告诉对方“该怎么做”，还不如先理解一下他们怎么想。步：倾听。

Don't try to quiet their emotions

Always let the other person vent, no matter how long or loud that venting may be. “If the emotional level is high, your first task is to take some of the emotion out,” says Linda Hill, professor of business administration at Harvard Business School. “Hold back and let them say their piece. You don’t have to agree with it, but listen.”

Often times, just talking honestly about a problem is enough to make a person feel better about it (hence, therapy). And as an argument participant, know that every word your companion says is a step toward mutual understanding. Just be careful how you approach it.

别试图安抚他们的情绪波动

记得总是让别人发泄，无论他们发泄时间有多长，或者有多吵。“如果一个人的情绪到了顶峰，你的首要任务是让他发泄出来。”琳达，哈佛商学院的商务行政顾问说。“让他们发泄出来，你不必要附和，但要听。”

大部分情况下，只要诚实地和一个人聊一个问题就能足够让他感觉好一点了。（因此这是一种好安抚方法）作为一个争论的参与者，你需要知道对方说的每一个词都在朝着共同理解的方向发展。但如何达成共识，需要谨慎处理。

Don't fake-empathize

This stock phrase almost always comes across wrong; you may be trying to say, “your emotions are valid,” but the other person will more likely hear, “I get it—so stop talking.” Instead of merely saying you understand someone’s feelings, show them by doing what FBI negotiators do: paraphrase.

“The idea is to really listen to what the other side is saying and feed it back to them,” says FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss. “It’s kind of a discovery process for both sides. First of all, you’re trying to discover what’s important to them, and secondly, you’re trying to help them hear what they’re saying to find out if what they are saying makes sense.” If everyone’s on the same page, you can start moving toward reconciliation.

不要假装理解

这种老套的话常常会被理解错：你可能想说“你的情绪是正常的”，但是别人更可能认为你在说“我知道了知道了，别说了。”所以不仅仅要说你理解别人的想法，还要给他们展现FBI谈判家常常做的事情：复述。

FBI人质解救家克里斯说，“你需要真正地听对方在说什么，然后给予反馈。”“这对双方来说都有点像一种挖掘过程。首先你们要试着发现什么对对方最重要，其次要帮助对方弄懂他们到底在说什么，这样才能明白说的是否有意义。”如果每个人都能理解对方了，你们接下来就可以试着和解。

Don't tell someone how to feel

It may sound to you like you’re acknowledging the other person’s feelings, but by adding a “should” or “shouldn’t” you are condemning and judging them just as much. Psychologists call this subtractive empathy—a response that diminishes and distorts what the other person has just said, often making them feel worse.

Instead of judging a feeling, try giving it a concrete name by saying something like, “You sound pretty hurt about [problem]. It doesn’t seem fair.” That’s what psychologists call additive empathy—it identifies a feeling, then adds a new layer of understanding that can lead to a potential solution. Think you have a solution? Be careful how you phrase it.

别告诉别人应该怎么想

虽然看起来好像你是在认同别人的想法，但是加了“应该”或“不应该”这种词汇之后，你等于是在谴责和审判他们。这种感觉被心理学家称呼为弱化共感——是一种会弱化及扭曲对方所说话语的反应，通常会让他们更不好受。

因此，试着给别人一点实在的东西，如“你一定因为这个问题而很受伤，这不公平”而不是给别人的想法下判断。心理学家称呼这种感觉为强化共感——在理清一种感情的同时，还能加上新一层的理解，有助于达成和解。你觉得你有问题的解决办法？给对方讲解的时候要小心说话。

Don't tell someone what to do

When the fight-or-flight response is triggered, power becomes deceptively crucial to us. Telling someone what to do takes away their power; if they listen to your advice, they may feel less smart or less autonomous, and they will resent you for that. What’s more, insisting that an answer depends solely on the other person changing their behavior removes personal responsibility from the equation, and that’s no way to make friends or learn from your mistakes.

The superior phrase: “What would you like me to do?” This handy question leaves the other person with their autonomy, and proves you’re willing to meet them halfway. It also moves your brains away from fight mode, and closer to the land of logical compromise.

别告诉别人应该怎么做

当“作战”模式启动的时候，权力变得尤为重要。告诉别人怎么做会拿走他们的权力；如果他们听从了你的建议，就会觉得自己更笨或者更没主见，然后他们会怪罪于你。更重要的是，坚持解决方案完全取决于对方是否改变行为，将会把自己的责任从对等的责任移除，你这么做就没办法交朋友，或者从错误中吸取教训。

最合适的语句：“你希望我怎么做？”这种容易解答的问题给对方留了主动权，也证明你想迁就他们。这句话也会让你的大脑从战斗模式中脱离，离理智与妥协的大陆更近一步。

Don't force a resolution

Never fret if you can’t settle an argument in one shot. According to relationship psychologist John Gottman, PhD, 69 percent of a couple’s problems are perpetual—they will never be resolved. “By fighting over [inherent] differences, all [couples] succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage,” Gottman says.

While this may sound depressing to anyone new to a serious relationship, it’s meant to be liberating. Once you realize some arguments can never be won, it makes them that much easier to drop. You fight. You make up. You move on with life. Despite what your fight-or-flight brain chemistry is telling you, “winning” doesn’t matter; most of the time, it isn’t even possible.

不要强行和解

永远不要为了争论不能一次解决而烦恼。根据心理关系学家约翰·高特曼的说法，69%夫妇的问题是性的——永远不会被解决。“争论[固有]的差异，所有[夫妇]在这个过程中做的只有浪费时间并伤害感情。”

虽然这消息对那些刚建立一段认真关系的人来说比较压抑，但其实是有益的。一旦你意识到有些争论永远没有输赢，你会更容易放下这些争论。你们吵了，和好了，人生继续前进。不管你战斗状态下的大脑中的化学物质怎么说，“胜利”都不重要，而且大部分时候，甚至是不可能的。

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